Ninety Day Review
by King of the Worthless
Summary: The Acolytes must submit themselves for the dreaded ninety-day job evaluation. Will they meet Magneto's rigorous and somewhat arbitrary standards? How will they survive? Read on!
1. Mastermind, get in here!

**Gotta make the money, credit's no good, when the disclaimer runs the shop in yo' neighborhood... Anyway, this is a little off-shoot of my usual Brotherhood stories. Why isn't it with the others? Well, the Brotherhood's not in it. **

**Now, Mastermind is a fairly unpopular character. So why am I writing about him? I dunno. I just like him for some reason. Also, he's more interesting than any of those worthless New Mutants. Just so you know, I've basically dropped the idea of Mastermind being Toad's dad, not because I don't think it's a possibility (come on, you people can't go on denying the similarities), but because there's not much I can do with that plot point... unless it becomes canon, and then you'll all owe me money, and don't think I won't expect you people to pay, you bunch of damn cheapasses, I know where all of you live, and if you don't give me the money, I'm gonna have my enforcer knock at your door and cut off your fingers one by one until you do! Then we'll see who's laughing!**

**Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

It was a day like all others in Magneto's strange little metal base, and his minions loitered about the main chamber. Colossus was busy moving empty crates from one side of a room to the other and back, and though this served absolutely no purpose, he did as Magneto commanded. Pyro, in one of his rare non-psychotic moods, was checking his flamethrower tank as he did every so often to make sure it was working properly. Sabretooth was eating something dead. Gambit... Gambit was sitting on a box, shuffling a deck of cards for no particular reason, except that he thought it made him look cool. As for Mastermind, he sat on a chair close to the wall and hope none of the others noticed him.

"Mastermind!" Magneto's voice resonated through the metal chamber.

"Oh, you are in some deep shit," Gambit said with a casual grin.

"But... I've done nothing."

"He only yells like that if he's really, really ticked," Pyro added. "But don't worry, mate, he's not a bad guy... he'll make it quick." Gambit and Pyro snickered, and the other two were too busy with their current work to even notice the conversation.

"No, literally, I've done nothing! I don't understand, how could he be upset if-"

"NOW!" Magneto yelled. Mastermind panicked and rushed to Magneto's chamber. There, Magneto sat on a big metal chair behind a big metal desk, with a set of clanking metal balls hovering above it. His helmet sat on his desk, off to the side, and Magneto held a stack of papers in his hands. "Take a seat." Magneto pulled a metal chair up for Mastermind to sit on.

"What is this about?" Mastermind nervously asked.

"Mastermind, you've been with this organization for three months now. It's time for your ninety day review."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Ninety Day Review"**

**King of the Worthless**

"I don't know how this is usually done, but I've been meaning to do this with my recruits." Magneto idly thumbed through the papers. "You'll be the first to go through this, and if it works out, I'll review the others."

"Well... I'm glad I could be of use..."

"...Said the guinea pig to the researcher..."

"Wha-?"

"Now then, what is your name?" Magneto asked.

"Master-"

"Your real name."

"J-jason. Jason Wyngarde."

"Wyngarde... what kind of a name is that?"

"I don't know."

"And... we have 'unknown' for you under age, sex, and place of birth."

"Hey, wait a minu-"

"You look about eighty or so..."

"No, I'm actually f-"

"Sixty, whatever. I'm going to assume you're male, but you never know these days."

"I am defi-"

"Place of birth? You were hanging around Venice, weren't you?"

"Yes, bu-"

"Yes, born in Venice, Italy... current powers?"

"You already know what my powers are."

"Yes, but this stupid form doesn't. Now tell me, what your powers are?"

"I don't think I could put them into words, to be honest, but I can create illusions, and I can see into people's minds... I didn't think I could see and alter memories, but it seems I can do that, too. Oh, and I have a sixth toe on my left foot."

"Sixth toe."

"Yes."

"That's a power?"

"It's a mutation."

"Mastermind, I have white hair. Do you consider that a power?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then how in the world is your stupid sixth toe a power?!"

"I guess it's not, then."

"Yes, you guess. Let's move on then. Mastermind, you have been with us for three months. When you joined, what goals did you have in mind?"

"I didn't have any, I didn't join willingly."

"Then why did you join?"

"You told me to."

"And if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"

"If you did?" Mastermind paused, and gulped. "I'm sure I would."

"...Lack of ambition, lack of leadership skill," Magneto muttered as he wrote it down. "Now that you're here, what long-term goals have you established?"

"To stay alive."

"Stay... alive."

"Yes. I don't want you to kill me."

"Ah, so you do have some motivation. Hold... hold on. Where's my pen? Where... ah, there it is. Any other goals?"

"Er... uh... I would like to meet some new people," Mastermind absentmindedly answered.

"New people, excellent. You will be working with four of the best-"

"I've already met them."

"You... oh, right. Now, there's the issue of rival organizations. How do you feel toward the X-Men?"

"Indifferent."

"Indifferent?"

"I don't care about them either way."

"...Lack of competitive spirit. Now if, say, a blue shape-shifting woman were to try to recruit you to her own organization, would you join her?"

"I don't know... is she attractive?"

"I suppose so, if you like blue women."

"Oh, of cou-" Mastermind quickly realized it was a trap. "-rse not. Why would I?"

"...Homosexual."

"What?!"

"Given the option to join this woman or join me, which would you choose?"

"Wait, I thought that's what you meant, the phrasing confu-"

"Answer the question."

"You, of course."

"Loyalty, good trait. Now, I've been watching your work on the field, and I must say I'm greatly disappointed by your fighting abilities. The others have a success rate of at least eighty-five percent in battle... you have a zero."

"I've never actually fought anyone while in your employ."

"Exactly! Why not?"

"My powers don't lend themselves easily to confrontation."

"We'll have to fix that."

"What? I can't change my powers, this is how I-"

"Enough! We'll talk about that later. I've received complaints from your co-workers about your habits."

"Habits?"

"According to one, who will remain anony... okay, it was Pyro... 'he smells like someone took a 'expletive deleted' in a 'expletive deleted' dirty sock and rubbed it in one of those new sandwiches they make at the place down the street, the one with all that 'expletive deleted' vinegar in it.' I'm told your hygiene is subpar."

"Do we even have showers here?"

"That's not the point. I want you to clean up. Also, your behavior is extremely antisocial."

"I have nothing to discuss with them."

"Of course you do, talk about how much you love me and my views."

"But I don-"

"Pretend you do. Colossus doesn't like me either, but you don't see him moping around."

"But he never says anything."

"That's because I've ordered him not to. While we're on the subject, let's discuss your work uniform..." Magneto took a moment to look at Mastermind's ragged coat. "I must remind you that the uniform you wear represents this organization, Mastermind."

"But this isn't a uniform, these are my-"

"If it's not your uniform, why are you wearing it on company time?!"

"I have no uniform!"

"You have no uniform?!" Magneto slammed both hands on his desk and stood up. "Why do you not have a uniform?!"

"...Because there is none?"

"BECAU... oh, right. We will have to fix that. In the meantime, try wearing something new."

"But you don't make Sabretooth change his outfit."

"Sabretooth is here by contract, not by the hour... or something like that. Look, I don't like talking to him. He's a good bodyguard, but he's worthless as a person. Now Gambit, he's good for conversation. And he makes eye contact! Yes, I could stare into those beautiful eyes for hours... and be lost in them..."

"Uh... Magneto?"

"...And that sauve voice of his..."

"You're acting like your son."

"WHAT ABOUT MY SON?!"

"He's... er... he tends to daydream."

"Yes, he does. I should smack some sense into that boy. He's not like Gambit..."

"Magneto, you're doing it again."

"Hrm? Oh. It's one of Gambit's mutant powers... he has this effect on people... that handsome rasc-"

"Mag-"

"Enough!" Magneto yelled. "Now there's one last thing we need to discuss... do you feel your salary is sufficient?"

"Salary?"

"Yes. The money I pay you to work for me."

"You don't pay me at all."

"Answer the question."

"N-" Magneto scowled at him. "-Yes."

"Very well. After reviewing all of this information, I have decided to keep you on as a member of my team, and as a reward for three months of service, you will receive a twenty percent raise."

"Twenty? That's very gener-"

"What's twenty percent of nothing, Mastermind?"

"Uh... its... oh. Right."

"The review is complete, thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me. Now get back to work."

"Back to work? Doing what?"

"Doing... that thing. I don't know, move crates around or something."

"I'm not that strong."

"Then just sit there." It was a day like all others in Magneto's strange little metal base, and his minions loitered about the main chamber. Colossus was busy moving empty crates from one side of a room to the other and back, and though this served absolutely no purpose, he did as Magneto commanded. Pyro, in one of his rare non-psychotic moods, was checking his flamethrower tank as he did every so often to make sure it was working properly. Sabretooth was eating something dead. Gambit... Gambit was sitting on a box, shuffling a deck of cards for no particular reason, except that he thought it made him look cool. As for Mastermind, he sat on a chair close to the wall and hope none of the others noticed him.

"I should've let him kill me..."

**The End**

**Okay, so it's got no real plot and stars a character nobody cares about. Sue me. At least it's a break from all the Rogue/Gambit garbage. Seriously, it's worse than the Kurtty crap we had to endure during the early years.**

**Yep, the early years... dammit. I feel old and worthless now. Stupid kids.**


	2. Sabretooth, you're next!

**The disclaimer is a devious degenerate defender of the devil. Okay, this was going to be a standalone, but I've decided to have Magneto torture the rest of his team. So here goes. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

"No see, what I'm thinking is we could move this chair over here," Pyro said to his comrades, which included Gambit, Colossus, and Sabretooth.

"This is dumb," Sabretooth groaned. "Why are we even decorating this stupid room?!"

"Magneto told us to, so we gotta do it!"

"You chumps have to do everything he tells you, don't you?!" Sabretooth growled. "I don't need this! I'm getting out of here!"

"Where are you off to now, Vic?" Gambit asked. Sabretooth roared at the name. "Gonna have a snowball fight with the trees again?"

"C'mere, Cajun, I'm gonna skin you!"

"Sabretooth!" Magneto ordered. Sabretooth looked around, not sure where the voice had come from. "Sabretooth!" Sabretooth realized that the voice was coming from behind him. He spun around, but saw nobody. "SABRETOOTH! Get in my office, now!" The voice was still behind him. He spun around in place, trying to see what was happening.

"Er... where are you?"

"In my office!" Sabretooth still looked around. Magneto sighed. "Down the hall, the door at the very end."

"If you're all the way over there... how come I can hear you?"

"Didn't Gambit give you the radio like I asked him to?"

"He didn't give me anything, what are you-" Gambit pulled something off Sabretooth's back. It was the radio with a band of tape attached. "THAT'S IT!"

"SABRETOOTH! MY OFFICE! NOW!"

"I'll get you when we're through, Cajun!"

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Ninety Day Review: Sabretooth"**

**King of the Worthless**

Magneto flipped through a stack of papers with the name 'Wyngarde, Jason' at the top, and stamped the top sheet three times. He placed the stack of papers into an Outgoing box on his metal desk. Sabretooth walked in and sat down. Several paperclips floated in midair above Magneto's desk in a figure-eight pattern.

"Sabretooth, good of you to join me. I've begun reviewing my employees, and you're next on the list. You've been here three months, correct?"

"Hey, I've been with you since the beginning!"

"Yes, of course... but for the sake of argument, let's say three months. I'm still working out the kinks in this review sheet, so you'll have to bear with me or else. Alright... state your name."

"Sabretooth."

"Tell me, is it spelled S-A-B-R-E or S-A-B-E-R?"

"Uh... I dunno."

"Very well. Real name?"

"Victor J. Creed."

"...J?"

"J is my middle initial."

"I know that you buffoon, what does it stand for?"

"Javier."

"...Javier."

"My mom was from Chile. She called me El Tigre! 'Cuz that means The Tiger."

"Your... I... see. Do you realize that Javier is a Spanish version of Xavier?"

"No. What does it matter?"

"Sabretooth, you've been a loyal member of my organization for three mon-"

"A year!"

"...Three months. Now, with a middle name like yours, there are certain risks."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Say I order you to assassinate Charles Xavier. You'd do that, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah! I'd do it just for the fun of it! C'mon, Erik, you know that!"

"Don't call me Erik."

"Magnus."

"Not that either."

"Magneto."

"Thank you. Now, let's assume that for whatever reason, you decide to instead defend Xavier. Let's assume he pays you a large sum. If my team were to face Xavier with you as his bodyguard, and I were to say 'Fool! You should be helping me, not Xavier!' then you could say, with all seriousness, 'XAVIER IS MY MIDDLE NAME!'."

"Uh... okay. If you say so."

"Your new middle name is Cletus."

"CLETUS?!"

"Would you prefer Janice?!"

"Actually, I WOULD!"

"Then your new middle name is Janice! Now then... what are your powers?"

"Hrmm... uh... I'm strong, I can heal quickly... uh... I've got super-senses."

"I see. You seem to be weaker than Colossus."

"Come on, he's made of metal!"

"Good point. Now why do I need two musclemen on my team?"

"Because I'm good at what I do!"

"WHICH IS?!"

"I'm an assassin!"

"Yes, and when was the last time you've assassinated anyone?!"

"I... uh..."

"Yes, some assassin. Now, when you joined, what long-term goals did you have?"

"Well, you said if I beat Wolverine, I could go with you in your fancy space house and we would all be happy there. So I beat Wolverine, and then your asteroid exploded and now I'm sitting around here."

"Are you deaf? I asked you what long-term goals you had!"

"Oh... uh... do some damage or something."

"Yes, to my reputation." Magneto wrote something down on his paper. "Alright, now let's talk about your uniform. You've been wearing that thing since you got here."

"You're still wearing that armor!"

"Yes, but I have several outfits and can afford to change into a different one while another is being washed."

"I've never seen you in another outfit."

"They all look the same."

"Well, I have a lot of the same outfit too!"

"No you don't."

"I DO TOO!"

"Your cape still has a ketchup stain. I remember you got that stain when Gambit suggested we all eat out that night, and it turned out to be a disaster."

"Yeah, well I haven't had a chance to change yet."

"That was two months ago."

"We went out again last night, it's a coincidence!"

"Interesting. Sabretooth, you will change your uniform at least once a week."

"But this is all I have!"

"ONCE A WEEK. One more thing, would it cost you anything to flush the toilet?"

"Flushing's for sissies!"

"Flushing is for people who are paid to be in my organization."

"Er, right. When's payday?"

"When I say it is!" Magneto wrote some more. "You have issues with authority, Sabretooth. Tell me, if I were to place Mastermind in charge, what would you do?"

"EAT HIS LIVER!"

"May I ask why?"

"I'VE BEEN HERE LONGER THAN HE HAS, I DESERVE TO BE LEADER!" Sabretooth picked up Magneto's desk and threw it against the wall. Magneto still sat at his chair with his arm raised as if his elbow were still leaning on the desk. He brought the desk back in place and wrote something down. "Er... I mean... I'd follow his every command!"

"You lack ambition. I expected you to stab him in the back to get what you wanted. You've gone soft, Sabretooth."

"WHAT?! YOU SET ME UP! YOU CHANGED THE QUESTION!"

"Enough!" Magneto wrote something down. "...Sabretooth, I understand you have issues with one of the X-Men. Which one is it?"

"WOLVERINE! YOU KNOW THAT!"

"Yes, yes... explain to me why you hate him."

"He's an X-Man!"

"You can do better than that."

"Well... uh... it had to do with Weapon X, and Logan did something or other and... uh... hrm. Actually, I can't remember."

"Yes, yes... Weapon X... now, it seems you have a history of problems with co-workers. Let me check your references..." Magneto looked through some papers and then brought a phone to him. "Yes, yes... Professor, of Weapon X? Hello, a pleasure to meet you, I'm Magneto, MASTER OF MAGNETISM! I'm here with a former employee of yours, a Mr. Creed... no, he doesn't go by Bigfoot... oh, you don't say?" Sabretooth growled. "Well, I'm calling about Sabretooth's past history, particularly his cooperation with other employees. Oh... OH! You don't say! YOU DON'T SAY! That's very interesting. Thank you for your time, Professor." Magneto pushed the phone away and wrote on the paper.

"Well, what was it?"

"HE DIDN'T SAY!" Pyro yelled from the door. Sabretooth hurled a stapler at him and Pyro ran down the hall, cackling.

"I'm afraid that due to your lack of cooperation, I'm going to have to cut your pay by fifteen percent."

"THAT'S INJUSTICE!"

"That's only two dollars."

"Er... oh. Is it?"

"Yes... you didn't know that?"

"I... uh..."

"Sabretooth, how much is this worth?" A quarter floated up to Sabretooth.

"Er... uh... a dollar?" The quarter hit Sabretooth on the forehead. "Okay, so I'm not good with money... you don't pay me to be!"

"Indeed. Here as an advance on next month's pay." Several pennies and a nickel flew into Sabretooth's hand.

"Gee, thanks... wait... LINCOLN ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING!"

"He's worth a cent... insubordination. You will change your uniform once a week, you will flush the toilet, and you will not bring dead animals into my base. Are we clear on this?"

"What am I supposed to eat?!"

"...Food. Thank you for your time, Sabretooth. Now I just have to process all this..." Magneto looked over the paperwork. "Oh yes, and get a haircut."

"NO!"

"Fair enough. You will shave once a week."

"You don't make Gambit shave!"

"Gambit is competant. Thank you for your ti-"

"I DEMAND A DO-OVER ON THIS REVIEW!"

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME, SABRETOOTH." Magneto opened the door and pushed Sabretooth out. Sabretooth roared at the door as it slammed shut. He growled, scratched his head, and walked back to the main chamber. Mastermind was there, carrying wallpaper.

"You, what are you smiling about?!" Sabretooth growled.

"...I'm not. We're still decorating that room, if you need something to do."

"I'll decorate it... WITH YOUR BLOOD!" Sabretooth lunged at him. Mastermind dropped the wallpaper and raised his hands. His eyes were glowing blue and Sabretooth stopped. He stepped onto a crate. "I would like to thank the academy... for stuff. Uh... I guess I should thank Magneto, and Gambit, and Pyro and the metal guy... I dunno what they did, but this award is MINE!"

"There you are, what are you-" Gambit stopped as Sabretooth bowed, kissed in imaginary object in his hands and waved. "What in... what are you doing to the poor jackass?"

"He thinks he's getting an Oscar."

"...Does he realize he's not an actor?"

"My illusions have no basis on the subject's intelligence... he's completely oblivious."

"Make him sing!" Pyro yelled as he ran in.

"...HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!" Sabretooth began to dance around.

"Okay, you can stop that now," Gambit said. "It's getting disturbing. Make him think he's watching a movie or something." Mastermind glared at him. "Well shucks, I'm out of ideas."

"What are you all doing here?!" Magneto roared. "Get back to work... Mastermind, are you playing with Sabretooth's mind?"

"Er... it was just... uh... self-defense!"

"...Make him think he's diving into a pool," Magneto commanded. Sabretooth, still on the crate, sniffed the air, stretched, and took a dive right onto the metal floor.

"YAAAAARGHHH!" As the Acolytes laughed, Mastermind accidentally loosened his hold on Sabretooth's mind. "WHAT'S GOING ON?! YOU! COME HERE, YOU!" Mastermind stopped laughing and ran down the hall, panicking as the murderous lion-man chased him.

"...Get back to decorating that room," Magneto told Gambit and Pyro, and then walked back to his office.

**The End**

**Come on. Sabretooth's become a joke on the show. When's the last time you've seen him do anything competant?**


	3. Colossus, you can't hide from me!

**The disclaimer says: SHUT DOWN ALL THE TRASH COMPACTORS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL! Mastermind and Sabretooth have been through the gauntlet, now it's time for everyone's favorite silent Russian, Omega- er, Colossus. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Colossus sat in one of the meeting rooms, watching footage of the X-Men training, thanks to hidden cameras installed on the Institute Grounds. Pyro and Gambit sat with him, forced to watch it as part of their training.

"Now this is just stupid," Pyro complained. "Though I gotta admit, that Rogue's quite a dish... that tight black outfit suits her just fine..."

"Whoa, whoa, lay off my girl, Aussie," Gambit snapped.

"Your girl? Just 'cuz you've got pics of her plastered all over your walls doesn't make her your girl, mate!" Pyro kicked his chair and raised his flamethrowers. Gambit kicked over his own chair and reached into his trenchcoat. "LET'S FIGHT!"

"THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS!"

"Must you two persist in this bickering?" Colossus asked. They looked at each other, then turned their weapons to Colossus. "No, I do not wish to fight you. We are all comrades here, we shou-"

"HE SAID COMRADES!" Pyro yelled. "HAHAHAHAHAHA COMMIE! HE'S A COMMIE!"

"I am not a communi-"

"Colossus and Lenin, sittin' in a tree, F-U-C-"

"ENOUGH!" Colossus grabbed Pyro and threw him at Gambit. "I will not sit here as you mock me! I work very hard for my goals, and I earn my keep!"

"Is that why the boss had to blackmail you into joining?" Gambit asked.

"That is not your business."

"COLOSSUS!" Magneto's voice echoed through the halls. Colossus sighed and de-armored himself. After what had happened to Mastermind and Sabretooth, Colossus knew what Magneto's screaming could mean. That's right.

It was time for his ninety-day review.

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Part Three: Colossus"**

**King of the Worthless**

Magneto sat at his desk again, tossing aside a stapled stack of papers with 'Creed, Victor' on them. On his metal desk was a a dancing metal marionette, which was dressed very similarly to Colossus. Colossus ignored the puppet and took his seat.

"Colossus, good of you to join me. I've done this twice already, and I think I have the hang of it. I know you're the strong, silent, stupid, expendable type, so we'll get right into this. What is your name?"

"I am Piotr Rasputin," Colossus said proudly.

"I don't like that name."

"...What?"

"It's too foreign. I'm going to rename you Peter Rasparovstowicz."

"But that is not my name!"

"IT IS NOW!"

"Do you not also have a foreign name?"

"I am Magneto."

"I recall that your name is Lehnsherr."

"I AM MAGNETO. IT'S IN THE DICTIONARY. LOOK IT UP." Magneto wrote something down angrily. "Your command of English is impressive."

"Thank you."

"Read this back to me." Magneto handed him a sheet of paper.

"Ah... uh... grarg dun chewie... uh... fargo... Fred Dukes?"

"NO! Let me read this for you, simpleton!" Magneto cleared his throat. "Magneto is the greatest man on Earth!" Magneto paused. "Where did you get Fred Dukes from?"

"I..."

"No matter. Now, explain your powers to me."

"I am capable of changing my skin into steel."

"No."

"No? I do not understand."

"You didn't mention your super-strength... forgetting your own powers?" Magneto wrote something else down. "Very well. When you joined this organization, what long-term goals did you have?"

"I wanted to make the world a safer place for mutants."

"No, really. Come on, we both know."

"...I had none. My family is captive and you are forcing me to move boxes all day!"

"There is a point to the boxes!"

"NO THERE IS NOT! I HAVE SEEN THEM! THEY ARE EMPTY!"

"WHY YOU-" Magneto stood up and pushed his hand forward. Colossus was pinned to the wall. "HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME?! I GAVE YOU SHELTER! I GAVE YOU A PURPOSE! I GAVE YOU A GREAT OUTFIT, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!"

"Forgive me... I was mistaken."

"Let's hope so." Colossus was released, and he returned to his seat. "I understand you have a grudge rivalry with a member of the X-Men. Who is it?"

"Nobody. I have nothing against any of them."

"AND WHY NOT?!"

"I do not know them. I have no reason to hold anything against them. From what I have seen, they are good people."

"If you want to be a member of my team, I suggest you find a rival!"

"...I will do so," Colossus said, agreeing only to move on.

"No, not later. NOW. Choose one of the X-Men." Magneto pulled out a poster of the X-Men. "Now, the choices are a little limited, I'll admit. Professor Xavier is off-limits, someone already has claims on Wolverine, I'm sure Pyro has something against Iceman, and Gambit seems to have something against Rogue... or for Rogue. I forget, it's hard to tell with that boy. Everyone else is fair game."

"Uh... how about this one?"

"Storm? You're mad! Her lightning bolts, your metal skin, it would be a disaster!"

"Then... what about this one? He appears to be an even match."

"Beast?! Don't fool yourself, Colossus, you're out of his league... why don't you try Shadowcat?"

"But she is so young and fragile, it would be unfair."

"Nonsense! It's settled, Shadowcat is your rival. Now, how do you feel about Shadowcat?"

"I do not know, I have not had a chance to speak with her..." Colossus noticed Magneto's eyes narrow. "I cannot lie to you, Magneto. I cannot hurt someone who does not deserve it."

"YOU DARE TALK BACK?!"

"Yes!"

"Good. You are an individual who will not compromise his morals just to please his boss." Magneto wrote something down. "Colossus, I have a problem with your uniform."

"But this is the uniform you have provided."

"I can change my mind, can't I? It's black, with red and yellow. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"No. I do not understand why those colors trouble you."

"They are..." Magneto stood up, place a forearm against the metal wall, and lowered his head, depressed. "...The national colors of Germany."

"I see... I am sorry if they offend you, sir."

"How would you know if they offend me?"

"You were oppressed by the Germans, were you not?"

"Yes, but under the Nazi regime... black, with red and WHITE. Your colors do not offend me because they are from Germany, Colossus..."

"Then why did you mention it?"

"IT WAS A TRICK!" Magneto hurled a stapler at Colossus's head, producing a loud CLANG. "Your emotions are your weakness! In reality..." Magneto once again held up the X-Men poster. "Wolverine, black with orange. Storm, black with blue and white. Cyclops, black with red and yellow. Nightcrawler, black with red and yellow. Spyke, black with red and yellow..."

"I understand. I will change my colors."

"What? Why? You fool, don't you see the potential in this? Dressed like an X-Men, not hated by the X-Men... you could infiltrate their ranks with ease."

"I am certain that they would realize I was not one of them."

"Possibly, but you can't discount the possibility, Colossus. You lack tactical skills." Magneto wrote some more. "Colossus, I understand that you don't get along with Gambit and Pyro. Why is this?"

"I have nothing against either, sir, but sometimes I feel they fight amongst themselves too often."

"They are TRAINING you imbecile!"

"No, they argue and fight outside of training exercises!"

"Well then that's a different matter. I'm glad you brought it to my attention, Colossus. I will write myself a note to remind myself to keep Gambit and Pyro from fighting." Magneto took out a Post-It pad and wrote 'memo to me- keep gambit/pyro from fighting' on it. He pulled the note off the pad, crumpled it up, and threw it in the levitating metal garbage can. "Do you have any concerns about your salary?"

"I do not have one."

"Well, I'm paying you by not killing your family."

"This is salary?"

"Yes. It's perfectly legal in the United States."

"I hate this country."

"COMMIE!" Pyro yelled from the door. Magneto threw a stapler at him and he ran off, rubbing his head.

"Are you keeping them safe?"

"No. They're in a damp, filthy cell. I feed them bread every day, and some dirty water, but nothing else. Do you have a problem with that, Colossus?"

"Yes, I do!" Colossus stood up. "If you will keep them as your prisoners, you will treat them well!"

"No!" Magneto pinned Colossus to the ceiling. "I will do as I please, and if you don't want me to cut their rations and limit their space, you will accept it, and you will do exactly as I tell you!"

"No! You will change your ways!"

"Who is going to make me? YOU?!"

"No, HER!" On Colossus's cue, Amanda Sefton walked into the room, carrying a slip of paper.

"What? Nightcrawler's girlfriend? How did you get in?"

"No, I'm Amanda Sefton, and I'm here representing the American Union of Mutant Laborers." Upon hearing the name of the organization, Magneto groaned and slammed his head against his desk. "As a member of our union, Mr. Rasputin is entitled to rights, rights that YOU have failed to respect! Number one, Mr. Rasputin is entitled to minimum wage! Number two, Mr. Rasputin cannot be forced to work more than forty hours a week, and any time spent in your employee that exceeds forty hours must be rewarded with his due wage per hour, plus an additional half of his wage per hour."

"Give me that!" Magneto took the paper and put on his reading glasses. As he read, Colossus dropped back to the floor. "...Number three, member is entitled to two weeks paid vacation three times a year... member is allowed time off during holidays... family is entitled to fair treatment if held against the wishes of member... oh, fine! Your family gets a suite and three meals a day!"

"A house in New York, three meals a day, running water, electricity, heating and plumbing, and cable television!" Amanda demanded.

"VERY WELL!" Magneto was an evil mutant terrorist, but he didn't dare go against a labor union. "But they have no phone or internet services, they cannot leave their house, and Colossus cannot visit them!"

"Then we are in agreement." Amanda and Magneto began signing various papers. Amanda handed a pen to Colossus so that he could sign.

"I cannot visit my family? Not even speak with them through a telephone?"

"Sorry, Mr. Rasputin, but your rights don't extend that far. There's nothing we can do."

"It is better than nothing..." Colossus signed. Amanda shook hands with Magneto and left the room.

"There's no point finishing this review," Magneto said. "Since you're union, I can't just fire you if I don't like you. Besides, I've already gone through the trouble of taking your family, so it would be a complete waste to just let you walk... but I'm going to have to start... paying you..." Magneto said it with clear disgust. "And allowing you time off. Now, you're still on company time, so get back to work."

"I have the day off."

"What?! What holiday is it? It's not Thanksgiving already, is it?"

"No, it is the Day of Accord and Conciliation."

"What?" Magneto looked at a Russian calender. "That's a Soviet holiday."

"It is still a custom in my country, and I must have the day off."

"HE'S A COM-" Colossus punched Pyro in the face and let him drop to the floor with a thud. He walked back to Magneto's desk.

"FINE! Have your day off! Hiding behind your labor unions!" Colossus turned back to his flesh form and walked out of Magneto's office. Outside, Sabretooth dragged the unconscious Pyro down the hall, presumably to torture him for whatever reason once he came to. Mastermind was leaning against the wall.

"So you got off easy," he said. "Day off?"

"Yes."

"How did you manage that?"

"Union."

"Oh... do you think I could join?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You do not work." Colossus took a duffel bag from his quarters and whistled as he walked out. Mastermind scratched his head for a moment.

"The man has a point." Mastermind took a yo-yo from his coat and, with nothing else to do, happily walked down the hall.

**The End**

**I had to vary the review a little, so I threw the labor thing in. Two reviews left, how am I going to pull that off? This begs the question... who's next: Pyro or Gambit??**


	4. Pyro! My office! NOW!

**The disclaimer's backpack's got jets, it's Boba, the Fett! It bounty hunts for Jabba Hutt to finance its Vette! Alright, just two reviews left, and this is one of them. This was surprisingly hard to write. OH WELL! Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Magneto walked into his office carrying a box of files and on top of it, a potted plant. He flipped the switch, but nothing happened. He turned it on and off, on and off, but nothing happened.

"...Odd." Enough light was coming in from the hall to allow him to see his desk, and he set down his files and put the plant in the corner. "Too dark in here. One of the others must have a flashlight..."

Magneto heard a clang.

"Who's there? Show yourself!" Magneto saw nothing. "You coward, come out and face me!"

The door suddenly closed. Magneto hovered in perfect darkness.

"I grow tired of this! Is it you, Mastermind? I know how much you like the dark..."

"BOO!" Pyro screamed, lighting the room with both flamethrowers. Magneto was not surprised, nor did he flinch. "Did I scare you?"

"No."

"Awwwwwwwww..." Disappointed, Pyro went and turned on the light. It turned out that a fake switch had been placed slightly closer to the door. He pulled it off and put it away.

"However, I believe it is my turn. Sit down, Pyro. It's time for your evaluation."

"AWWWW, FUCK."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Part Four: Pyro"**

**King of the Worthless**

Magneto sat at his desk, with a small clear box next to his helmet, and in it, a picture of Professor Xavier and several metal shavings, moving about to create comical images. Pyro particularly liked Afro-Chuck. Magneto wrote something on a form and changed Afro-Chuck to Dreadlock-Chuck.

"Yeah, HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Dammit, Pyro, can you shut up for just one minute?! There's some paperwork I need to take care of!"

"Here, boss, lemme take care of it for you!" A flame-squirrel jumped onto Magneto's desk and crept towards the paper. "Squirrels are nuts and nuts are squirrels, am I right?"

"..."

"Come on, it's funny!" Magneto replied by slamming his hand on the squirrel and putting the fire out. Pyro pouted, and Magneto stacked his papers.

"Alright, no more horseplay. Let's get through this so I can get some sleep. What is your name?"

"Pyro's the name, mayhem's the game!"

"Original, Pyro. I want your real name."

"Uh... er..."

"..."

"Wait, hold on a minute now..."

"YOU FORGOT YOUR REAL NAME?!"

"No, I swear! I just... uh... ST. JOHN ALLERDYCE! That's it, St. John!"

"Who names their son St. John? What sort of name is that?"

"Eh, my mum was Catholic, she-"

"Enough. Pyro, describe your powers for me."

"I got the power of the Hulk in my hands, AND I LIKE IT!"

"..."

"Fine, not in the mood? I can play that too."

"You're being unusually obnoxious, Pyro."

"I had some cereal this morning."

"The sugary stuff Colossus has been buying lately... with his... wage..." Magneto was quite disgusted by the concept, for previously stated reasons. "We're wasting time. What are your powers?"

"I can make this flame here dance and laugh!"

"Laugh?"

"Yeah, watch this now..." Pyro turned on one of his flamethrowers and created a giant face, which started to laugh. Pyro himself provided the voice. "'Hahahaha! Fire is happy! Fire good! Magneto, why is Magneto not smiling? Why is Magneto making that stapler fly? Why is the stapler flying at'- CRAP!" Pyro rubbed his head after the stapler nailed him in the head. "That's not very polite!"

"No, but it was quite funny. So you've got fire control, good, good." Magneto wrote something down. "Pyro, where are you from, originally?"

"Down under."

"Down under where?"

"Down under, down under."

"..."

"Well you know what 'down under' is, right?"

"Yes. Under a bridge. I'm sure that is also where you were conceived, 'St. John.'" Magneto wrote some more.

"Well what's your problem, you sound like Gambit shoved that staff of his up your arse."

"These reviews are stressing me out. If my hair wasn't already and unnatural white, I'm sure unnatural gray hairs would be appearing on my head right now."

"You got one now."

"WHAT?!"

"MADE YOU LOOK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ACK!" The stapler again. "Will you stop that?"

"Pyro, how old are you?"

"Lost count three years ago, when I turned fifteen."

"..."

"What?!"

"Nothing, Pyro, NOTHING!" Magneto angrily wrote on the form. Pyro was trying to hold back a giggle. "Pyro, when you joined, what long-term goals did you have?"

"Destruction, mayhem... burning buildings, destroying property, kicking old ladies, that sort of thing."

"I see. And now that you've been here three months, have your goals changed?"

"Not really. Feeling a little unfulfilled, though."

"Explain."

"Well, I've been cooped up in here with the tin man, the cowardly lion, the freakin' scarecrow and Dorothy LeBeau, I haven't had many opportunities here... opportunities YOU promised!"

"You take issue with company policies, not good." Magneto wrote some more. "How do you feel about your co-workers?"

"Aw, they're a good bunch."

"...You just insulted them."

"Just kidding around is all!"

"So do you like your co-workers or not?!"

"Only when I'm asleep."

"You know something, Pyro? I'm just going to ask you questions. You will answer with yes or no. Got it?"

"I think I can follow."

"Are you male?"

"No."

"DAMMIT PYRO!"

"Come on now, have a sense of humor!" Pyro ducked as the stapler flew overhead. "How many of those do you have lying around?"

"Fifty-six, now shut up and cooperate! I want to talk about your uniform."

"Well what's wrong with it?"

"It's too loud."

"I'll try to keep it down," Pyro whispered. He ducked another stapler.

"One our last mission in Florida, we were stopped by the X-Men. You remember this, do you not?"

"All too well..." Pyro took a picture of Kurt Wagner from his pocket and burned it.

"They arrived less than half an hour after we did. Do you know how they knew we were there?"

"Uh..."

"BECAUSE SOMEONE SPOTTED THE GUY WITH THE BRIGHT ORANGE JUMPSUIT WALKING AROUND ON THE NEWS REPORT!"

"Hey, they noticed the big metal guy and the jerk with the flaming cards, too!"

"That's not the point! I want you to change your uniform to something darker... purple, maybe?"

"Aw, PURPLE?! C'mon, mate, you want me to dress like a fruit? Who do you think I am, Pietro?"

"WHAT?!"

"'Cuz... Pietro..." Pyro's eyes darted around. "...Was a strawberry in that school play about the food groups... you showed us the video, remember?"

"Ah yes. I'd like to see that hack Michael Caine pull off a performance like that while wearing an oversized strawberry. Pyro, do you have an arch enemy?"

"Yeah, that little twit, Nightcrawler! I was about to barbecue him last time, then he does that little trick of his, the smoke and mirrors thing-"

"...There's a name for it, Pyro."

"Yeah, telekinesis, I know, I know... he does that little trick and he's behind me and wrecks my tank! That was the end of the battle, I had to sit it out while the bloody Cajun and his pet tiger got to have all the fun!"

"So that's your excuse for slacking off? We need to talk about that, Pyro. In every battle we've had with the X-Men, you're mysteriously incapacitated or otherwise unable to fight after the first minute. Why is this?"

"The moment they get my tank or my tubes, I'm fucked! Nothing I can do about it!"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE! Whenever Gambit runs out of cards, he finds something else!"

"Wha?! He can charge other things, I can't make other things dance!"

"Then carry a lighter with you."

"Ah, but I do!" Pyro took a lighter from his pocket. "Wanna see how it works?"

"No. Now we-"

"HERE! YOU JUST STRIKE THE LITTLE WHEEL THINGY AND BOOM!" Under Pyro's power, the flame became a fireball and then a puppy, jumping around on Magneto's desk. "I THINK HE LIKES YOU!"

"PYRO!" Magneto held Pyro's flame tank and pinned him to the wall. A stapler hit him in the head. The puppy disappeared, but the fire remained. "YOU HAVE JUST SET THIS BOX OF FILES ON FIRE! I HAVE SPENT THE LAST SIX HOURS WRITING THESE OUT, AND NOW YOU COME IN AND BURN THEM LIKE THEY'RE NOTHING?!"

"Er... I... uh... let a clown be your umbrella?"

"PYRO, YOU ARE FI-" Magneto stopped himself. Pyro might enjoy that a little too much. "On probation."

"Probation? What kind?"

"You are to use fire only during official missions."

"Aw, now that's not fair! How can I practice my skills if I can't even use them?"

"You're skilled enough. Refusal to comply will result in the termination of your membership within this organization."

"What if I don't want to be a member?"

"Then I will have Sabretooth kindly dismember you."

"Alright, good one!"

"That wasn't a joke." Magneto released Pyro. "Now get back to work."

"I'll do my best chief!" Pyro saluted and walked out the door.

"Oh, one more thing," Magneto called.

"Yeah?" A stapler hit Pyro in the face and he dropped to the floor. The door closed and shut him out. Magneto looked at the burnt paper all over his desk and sighed. Outside, Mastermind and Gambit walked down the hall.

"I know what you're trying to say, Gambit, but I just don't think women like a man wearing a pink shirt."

"Come on, a body like this, any color looks good on me."

"I don't know..." Mastermind waved his hands. "No, I was right. You look terrible in pink."

"Aw, really? I was hoping..." Gambit nearly tripped over Pyro's body. "Ach! Sleepin' on the job?"

"What do we have here?" Mastermind asked. "I'm no doctor, but I believe these bruises could only have been caused by a magnetically-controlled stapler."

"You heard what the boss was screaming at him?" Gambit asked. "He burned all his files... that was his review, so that means I was the only one left. Gambit gets all the luck!"

"Incorrect," Magneto said, walking out of his office. "Fortunately, I grabbed the wrong box earlier. The files Pyro burned were just random doodles he himself had placed in my office as a gag that he no doubt forgot about. You're still on my schedule, Gambit, I want you here in one hour. Go take Pyro to his room or something." Magneto stepped back into his office. He stepped back out. "And get rid of that pink shirt."

**The End**

**There you go, Pyro's paid his dues. Now that just leaves Gambit. Gambit fans, be warned... you will not like me when this is over. **


	5. Gambit, don't clock out just yet!

**The disclaimer chills in deep space, a mask is over its face, well it delivers the prize, but it still narrows its eyes, 'cuz its time it don't like to waste (GET DOWN)! The others have paid their dues, time after time, they've done their sentence, but committed no crime... and bad mistakes, I've had a few... I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come through...**

**...and I need to go on and on and on and on **

**WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRI-**

**Sorry, got carried away. Anyway, here's Gambit. Oh, and excuse the grammar.**

Gambit watched as Colossus carried one of Magneto's giant metal spheres around. Sabretooth carried another, though he had a harder time with it.

"What are you boys up to?" he asked.

"Getting ready for a mission," Sabretooth said. "Magneto didn't tell you?"

"No. Probably not too important if I'm not involved."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Magneto's voice resonated throughout the metal base. Moments later, he flew out of his office, clutching his hand. "Gambit! I want you to find every stapler in this base and have it destroyed!"

"Did you staple your hand?"

"YES! The staplers are a menace... this is my writing hand, too... how am I supposed to finish your review if I can't hold a pen?"

"Aw, now that's too ba-"

"Of course! I'll have Mastermind hold it!"

"...Dang..."

**X-Men: Evolution**

**"Part Five: Gambit"**

**King of the Worthless**

Magneto sat at his desk, still rubbing his bandaged hand. Next to his helmet was a small box filled with narrow rods of metal. Magneto stuck his good hand into it, and the rods were pushed out to form a copy of his hand. Playing around with it some with his power, he made his helmet, a dog, Gambit, Professor Xavier, and then a representation of a cartoony Magneto flying a kite. He cleared his throat and the rods returned to their normal, neutral position. Next to this desk toy was Mastermind sitting in a chair with a clipboard, prepared to write.

"Gambit, you are among my most loyal. If it were up to me, I wouldn't even have to evaluate you, I would simply keep you on my team without question."

"It's not up to you?"

"It is, but..."

"But...?"

"Shut up. Now then... Gambit, you have been with my team for three months. In this time, you have done good work for me, but I need to fill this out. Now let's see... real name?"

"LeBeau... Rembrandt LeBeau..." Gambit winked at him and grinned.

"..."

"But you can call me Remy, cherie..." Magneto stared at Gambit in shock and awe.

"...Right, Remy LeBeau... now, I need your age, sex and place of birth."

"Cherie, I'm old enough to be your brother... but not too old to be your lover..." Gambit got up out of his chair and sat on Magneto, crossing his legs. He leaned down to him. "But enough about me, tell me about you..."

"..."

"Oh, silent, eh, cherie? Well, I know just how to fix tha-"

"MASTERMIND, STOP IT!" Magneto's desk toy hit Mastermind in the chest and Gambit appeared to come out of a trance. He stood up suddenly and looked around, completely shocked.

"Aw, wha? What in... where'd Rogue go?" Gambit quickly stood up, looking around.

"Forget it. We're doing a review here. Mastermind, make sure to write me a memo reminding me to punish you later. Gambit, age, sex and place of birth, NOW!"

"Er... seventeen, male, New Orleans."

"You are not seventeen."

"Well sure I am. It's on my ID." Gambit took a driver's license and put it on Magneto's desk.

"Well, everything seems to be in order. Your eyes and facial hair must make you look older, but I'm not one to doubt the Deparmnet of Pubic Safty."

"Yeah, you see? It's all go-"

"You idiot, whoever made this card for you didn't know how to spell properly!"

"Actually, it was satire," Mastermind said. Magneto and Gambit both stared at him. "That is, I'm sure it was meant as satire... whoever it was that made it."

"Mastermind, put down twenty-one for Gambit's age."

"Aw, come on, I'm a minor!"

"Gambit, Colossus was lucky. You're not going to weasel your way into applying child labor laws to your situation."

"Dang, alright. More fun being the legal age anyway," Gambit said, though he did sound very disappointed and sarcastic.

"Gambit, what are your powers?"

"Well, it's very simple, really," Gambit took a pack of cards from his coat and shuffled them between his hands. "In my hands, anything's a lethal weapon. Joker?" Gambit took the joker card, charged it, and casually threw it at Mastermind. Mastermind blew at it, and it drifted back to Gambit. "Aw, son of a-"

"Enough horseplay!" A metal sphere wrapped around the card and contained the explosion. "Let's move on. When you joined, what goals did you have in mind?"

"I wanted to see the world, meet new people... kiss new women."

"Hmph, kiss," Mastermind mumbled.

"I'm not gonna go into details in front of the boss!"

"You probably don't even how to handle your equipment."

"Now wait a minute! I can handle this staff as well as I can handle any other!"

"Poor evaluation of his own abilities, poor social skills with co-workers, write that down!" Gambit sneered at Mastermind as he wrote it down. "Now that you're here, what long-term goals have you established?"

"To fight the X-Men."

"...That's it?"

"Well, that's what you want, isn't it?"

"NO! I want you to help me in oppressing humanity and bringing about the glorious new age of mutants!"

"Uh... where is that in my contract?"

"..."

"Come on, you've never made your goals very clear. All we ever really do is sit here and fight the X-Men."

"Are you truly so ignorant, Gambit?"

"He has a point," Mastermind said.

"Don't gang up on me! Gambit, you are the vanguard of my team, you of all should know that I wish to put humans in their rightful place!"

"I would've known if you'd said something! All you do is go, 'hey Gambit, go beat up this guy! Hey Gambit, steal this thing for me! Hey Gambit, I need your advice regarding the opposite sex!'"

"Maybe you should pay attention during my weekly speech!"

"What speech, you just come out and tell us to work harder!"

"Yes, work harder at oppressing humanity!"

"By humanity, do you mean all humans?"

"YES," Magneto said through clenched teeth.

"Hrm. That includes mutants too, right?"

"ARGH!" Magneto threw his desk toy at Gambit, who ducked it. "Stupid, unobservant, and incapable of understand simple concepts, write that down!"

"Now what's the problem, what did Gambit say?"

"That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. If you're going to be on my team, you will refrain from referring to yourself in third person. It's very... oh, how to put this..."

"Stupid?" Mastermind suggested.

"Quiet, you. It's very dumb."

"Well I'm not really comfortable speaking in first person. I have to set myself out from the rest of these losers. How about second person?"

"Fine, fine, whatever," Magneto said absentmindedly. "Gambit, you seem to have an infatuation with Rogue. Why is this?"

"You know you're fine, Rogue can't resist you. Rogue should just accept that you're her big daddy."

"Hmm. A surprising suggestion, but intriguing, nonetheless. Mastermind, write a memo to me. 'Magneto- romance Rogue.'"

"Hey, hey, Rogue's YOUR girl!"

"Yes, I'm feeling quite confident now. Mastermind, write another memo to me. 'Magneto- make reservations downtown.'"

"Rogue is YOUR girl, so he'd better lay off!"

"He? It appears I have a rival for the affections of Rogue."

"You're telling Magneto to lay off your girl and stay away from her!"

"A little abstract, but I like the concept. She may be turned off by the mutant conqueror... Mastermind, memo. 'Magneto- don't go as Magneto, go as Erik. Girls like sincerity and honesty.'"

"HEY! STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING GIRL, BUCKETHEAD!" Gambit yelled. He took three charged cards and threw them at him. Magneto blocked them all with a metal panel he had handy, then smacked Gambit in the face with it.

"Calm down, Gambit. I am aware of what second-person speech is. You have anger issues. Write that down." Mastermind wrote it down with a smile on his face. "I mean, me and Rogue, I've got at least fifty years on her. Plus she's a minor... I could go to JAIL!" He exchanged glances with Mastermind before they both laughed at the idea.

"W-well, okay... just don't go near my girl."

"Gambit, Pyro and Colossus tell me you haven't been studying the files I assigned you."

"I got more important things to do."

"Such as?"

"Well, I went to Rogue's and I sat on her balcony and watched her sleep."

"And they say I'm creepy," Mastermind mumbled.

"Hey, I was just watching out for her... sweet, sweet Rogue... sleeping like an angel... warm under her covers... soft, moist skin..."

"Gambit, you ARE aware of Rogue's powers, aren't you?"

"Of course, I ain't stupid. She can absorb other peoples' powers and memories."

"You are aware of the limitations to Rogue's powers?"

"Yeah... she can't... uh... absorb the... uh..." Gambit looked down. "No."

"She can't control her power."

"WHAT?!" Gambit jumped out of his seat. "No, there's gotta be a way, she's too gorgeous!"

"That's the way it is, Gambit. Look but don't touch."

"Looks like the staff's gonna have to twirl itself tonight..."

"...I'm going to ignore that. Gambit, I want to talk to you about your uniform."

"Rogue liked it." Gambit pouted.

"Actually, so do I. Except the hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"You look like you're seventeen."

"...Because I am."

"YOU ARE NOT. Actually, shave that thing on your chin. Maybe then you could pass for seventeen. What is that, anyway? Who are you trying to impress?"

"Why you, of course." Gambit cocked an eyebrow and smiled.

"Mastermind, I told you not to do that!"

"...I'm not doing anything"

"...Oh my God." Gambit got up out of his chair and sat on Magneto, crossing his legs. He leaned down to him. "Back where I come from, a little bit goes a long way..."

"Gambit, I hope that you are aware of my heterosexuality."

"Completely." Gambit grinned and winked at him.

"So tell me why you're doing this."

"You're a big, strong conqueror... I like that in a man... so how about you jump up and lay down on this table so I can have sex with you?"

"You have sex with me?!?!"

"What?! HOW DARE YOU! That is sexual harrassment!" A high-priced lawyer stormed into the room at Gambit's cue.

"I have been informed that you have been sexually harrassing my client," he said.

"I got evidence, too, mon ami." Gambit pulled out a tape recorder.

"You have sex with m-" the taped Magneto said.

"Oh, this is good, this is good, we've got a huge case on our hands!" The lawyer cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and faced Magneto. "Mr. Lehnsherr, the charges we will present in court are most severe."

"...Did I mention I'm seventeen?"

"Sexually harrassing a minor! Mr. Lehnsherr, we will have your ass for this!"

"HE'S NOT SEVENTEEN!"

"According to his driver's license, he is seventeen, and I have more reason to trust the Deparmnet of Pubic Safty than you, Mr. Lehnsherr. We will see you in court."

"Wait, could I hear that tape one more time?" Magneto asked. "I want to know what's being used against me."

"Certainly," Gambit said.

"No, no, Mr. LeBeau, I would not advise that!" Before his lawyer could stop him, Gambit played the tape again. When it was done, it produced a strange buzzing noise. Gambit looked at it, confused, rewound it and played it back. There was nothing. "AAARGH! YOU JUST LOST OUR EVIDENCE!"

"It was a risk, I admit... but that's what I'm all about." The lawyer stormed out of the office. Gambit sighed and sat back down.

"It's not a total loss, Gambit," Magneto said. Mastermind wrote something down. "Your skills are impressive, and so you will be given a new job with this organization accordingly. You are free to go now."

"Er... thank you... sir..." Gambit shook Magneto's hand and walked towards the door.

"Give me my watch back."

"Hehe, just a little joke there..." Gambit gave Magneto a gold watch and walked out.

"I wasn't aware you wore a watch with your costume," Mastermind said.

"I don't. Gambit is a creature of habit. Pawn this for me." Mastermind caught the watch. "Now, let's see what you've writ... Mastermind, what is this?"

"What is what?"

"THIS!" Magneto held up the review sheet and found that there was no writing, only some doodling. A stick-figure Mastermind was standing next to a car and a house and hitting a stick-figure Magneto with a stick.

"Just a joke, just a joke!" Mastermind waved his hand, and the doodles disappeared, replaced by a properly filled-out sheet. Just to make sure it wasn't an illusion, Magneto put on his helmet.

"Er... good. Good. File that for me." Outside, in the main chamber, Gambit wore a frown on his face. He held his staff, twirled it around, and hit something on the floor. Pyro happened to be walking by.

"Aw, why so gloomy?"

"Fuck off, Pyro, I ain't in the mood."

"No, really, what's wrong?" Gambit twirled the staff so that the end that was on the floor was now at eye-level with Pyro. Gambit's staff had been fitted with an attachment that turned it into a mop. Pyro held back a giggle and just started walking away. Once he was down the hall, he burst out into full-blown maniacal cackling. Gambit reached into his coat and charged a card. Before he could hurl it at Pyro, he stopped to see which card it was.

"Departmen of Pubic Safty- LeBeau, Rembrandt"

"Fucking Mastermind."

**The End**

**Gambit has officially been reviewed. That's everyone, so what's next? Nothing. It's over. Go home.**


End file.
